To Have Loved & Lost
by zookitty
Summary: It is better to have loved and lost, he scoffed. The person who said that had obviously never lost...
1. Chapter 1: What is lost

**AN: **This is a preticularly angsty piece I came up witht after watching how Jess changed over the years. How did he go from who he was when he entered stars hallow to the guy he was when he left the show? What happened?

Characters: Jess, Luke, Liz, and Rory

**Warnings: **Driving while under the influence of heart break, and other such angstyness -lol-**  
**

**Spoilers: **The end of season 4and everything before it (later chapters have more spoilers)

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**Chapter 1: What is Lost**

Jess walked numbly away from the campus towards his wreck of a car. He collapsed into the front seat and let his head bang against the steering wheel.

Her voice still echoed in his mind. Her words still stung like the cold blade of a knife. With just one word his whole world had fallen apart around him.

She had said no.

He felt like he was sinking.

She had said no. One word that meant so much. No she would not go with him. No she did not want him and no…she did not love him. He suddenly understood the words of the many heart broken poets he had read from time to time. Their moans now made sense to him.

_It is better to have loved and lost…. _Jess laughed bitterly. Who ever said that had obviously never lost.

OoOoOoO

The black phone mounted on the diner wall rand loudly. Luke grabbed it and answered harshly—he hated the bother it was and would have greatly liked to not ever answer it at all. "Hello?"

"Hey there brother," said the familiar female voice. Luke felt his eyes roll into the back of his head.

"Liz I'm working," he sighed impatiently. She was another little annoyance he could do with out most of the time.

"Ya I know. I just…" there was a hesitation. That was so unlike her. "…just was wondering if you'd heard from Jess recently?" Her attempt at a casual question might have fooled most people, but Luke could see through it to the concern hidden between her words.

"Why?" he felt unnaturally worried, but then matters having to do with Jess normally caused that in him.

"I just haven't heard from him since the wedding. Before that he was calling fairly regularly. I guess…I just got used to it," Liz admitted wistfully. Luke felt a twang of fear.

"I haven't either," he replied. Luke had been a bit angry about that since it had been over three weeks, but he had attributed it to Jess being irresponsible. He hadn't even thought to worry. "Liz I'll call you back." Luke pushed the hook down and quickly dialed in a number.

"Hello?" an unfamiliar voice answered after the third ring.

"Hello…Jess?" Luke already knew it wasn't him, but he also knew he had not misdialed.

"Nope. I'm his roommate Tawn," the voice explained. "Sloth over here refuses to get up and answer his stupid phone."

"He must be tired from work," Luke offered. Tawn scuffed in response.

"That might be the case if he was actually working."

"What?" Luke was liking this conversation less and less as it went on.

"He's been sulking around here for awhile now."

"About how long? Three weeks?"

"Sounds right," Tawn replied indecisively.

"Can I talk to him?"

"Ya," Tawn replied. Luke heard the sound of distant conversation. He could only catch part of what Tawn was saying. "…I don't know." More indistinct. "Just talk!"

"Hello." Luke was taken aback by the sound in his nephew's voice. Instead of its normal surly or even the occasional soft, there was sorrow coating his tone that cut straight to Luke's heart.

"What happened?" the dinner owner asked, his voice compassionate. Luke could hear the soft sound of breathing on the other end, but no response came. "Jess, what happened?"

"Reality," came the whispered response. A few more silent moments passed between them. "I have to go." Jess hung up without another word. Luke grasped the phone for a few seconds before returning it to the hook.

"Ceaser, keep an eye on the dinner for me. I'll be back soon," with that Luke went out the door, jumped into his truck and started driving.

OoOoO

Luke stood in the hallway of the most dinky apartment complex he had ever seen. He'd been here only once, several weeks prior. Last time he'd come in a fit of rage, this time he was literally afraid. He was about knock on the door when it suddenly opened in front of him. A blonde haired boy around Jess's age stood before him. He looked Luke over in obvious wariness. After a moment a look of understanding crossed his face.

"He's over there," the kid answered though Luke didn't remember having actually asked the question. "Good Luck." Luke remembered this as the voice from the phone. Before the diner owner could respond the kid went passed him and out the door. He was left standing at the threshold of Jess's apartment with no idea what to do next.

He glanced inside the small room. There were sleeping bags on the floor, five in all. The bag over in the corner had a 'lump' in it. Luke walked slowly over to this one and kneeled beside it. He put his hand on where he assumed the 'lump's' shoulder to be.

Slowly there was a stirring from under the covers. Jess sat up with the quilt twisted around him. He gave Luke a sharp glare but did nothing to hide the sorrow in his usually guarded eyes.

"What do you want?" Jess barked, his surly tone was back but there was still a hint of despair.

"Just…" Luke began trying to fund the right words to explain his impulsive actions. "…just wanted to see if you are ok." Jess got up and shrugged apathetically.

"I'm fine," he grumbled unconvincingly. "You shouldn't have come." Normally the harsh words would have inspired and equally harsh response from Luke, but he forced his own anger aside.

"Jess…"

"Get out!" his nephew's words sounded so weak, as if part of him was hoping to be disobeyed. Luke listened to that soft undertone. He had walked out to many times already, this time he was going to stay.

"I'm not going anywhere." Luke hoped that his response had sounded reassuring and not just defiant.

"Do what you want," Jess growled.

"Jess stop!" Luke commanded desperately. His nephew looked up, obviously taken aback by Luke's tone. "Stop. Don't block me out again." Jess leaned heavily against the wall and looked at his uncle, a mix of emotions playing across his face.

Luke placed a hand on his nephews shoulder, and pulled Jess into a warm embrace. He felt Jess stiffen at the unexpected hug, but his nephew slowly relaxed and leaned his head against Luke's shoulder. Luke held him tightly.

"I'm here Jess, I'm always here," he whispered. After a few silent minutes Jess pulled away his face turned to the ground. Luke's hand never left Jess's shoulder, as he tried without avail to catch the kid's eyes and maybe find some answers in them.

"You can't shut down every time things go bad," Luke kept his tone soft, as it leaked the concern which he couldn't seem to shake. No response. Luke sighed.

"I don't know what happened but I can say this. You can't give up just because the going gets tough. If you waste your time hiding from this…whatever it is…you're life will slip by without you. You're tough Jess. You're strong and I know you can move passed this. Look at you Jess! You're a mess. This isn't you kid…this is not the self confident Jess Mariano who marched into stars hallow all those years ago. Rough around the edges was hardly strong enough to describe that Jess…but there is one thing I can say for him. No matter what life threw at him he never backed down." Luke's tone became more

"You don't get it!" Jess snapped. He shrugged Luke's hand of roughly. "Just get out!" Luke took one last look at his nephew.

"Fine Jess. You know where to find me," Luke replied and quickly made his exit. Jess was angry, and Luke knew that when the kid got angry he would do something about it. Jess was truly angry. Luke's concern flew away as he walked back out of the apartment complex. The kid would be alright

----

Jess sucked in another gulp of the 'fire water'. He felt intensely aware of everything. The glass felt cold against his palm, and the liquid felt hot on his throat. A light breeze blew gently across the roof top he was perched on. Cars bustled about noisily below him. He took another deep swig.

What did Luke know? What did Rory know? What did any of them know?!

"WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK!" He bellowed up at the night sky.

He was angry. It stirred from the very bowels of his being. He was furious and the worst part was no matter how loudly he yelled at wasn't them he was mad at. His anger rested fully and completely with the one person he despised most on this green earth…himself.

With a howl he threw the bottle against the hard concrete below him. It shattered loudly into a thousand pieces.

He sighed and leaned down to collect the pieces. It was only his first bottle and he was not drunk. Even with all the other things he'd done he would never let himself get drunk. He saw Liz and her boyfriends go down that path one to many times. He would never let himself lose control like that. He looked at the broken shards of glass and shuddered. He could see his tear rimmed eyes reflected all too clearly in the dark surface.

"Looks like you need alcohol to loose control Mariano," he whispered. He started collecting the pieces and winced when his finger accidentally slide across the sharp surface.

The pain jolted him more than he expected. He leaned back on his heels.

"What have I become?" He begged himself bitterly. He ran his hand across his face. In one desperate moment he knew. Liz had been right about him. Rory had been right about him. Even Lorelai had been right about him.

He stood in a sudden wave of determination and abandoned the roof hurrying back down the fire escape and in through his open window. They may have been right so far but he could still prove them wrong now.

Jess grabbed his jacket and stopped only long enough to bandage his hurt finger. He needed to act while his determination was still strong. He needed to act while the pain of self realization was still sharp. He needed to act before he lost control and spiraled back down into the pit he had created for himself. And he needed to act while Luke's words were still ringing in his ears.

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OOC: The next chapter is almost completely done so it shouldn't be to long before I update. Please let me know what you think! 


	2. Chapter 2: What is loved

**AN: **Hey Everyone! Chapter 2 is here I hope you all enjoy it. Thanks for the many sweet reviews (replies are at the end of the chapter)

Spoilers: The Real Paul Anka

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**Chapter 2: What is Loved**

_Over a year later… _

Jess dropped his bag on the sidewalk and stared at the diner. It had been a painfully long time since he had been there last. He had wanted to come on numerous occasions, but Jess had made a promise to himself on that rough top all that time ago. He promised he would never go near Stars Hallow again until he could walk into that diner with his head held high.

A smile played at his lips. He really had missed this place, more than he wanted to admit. But in all honesty the place itself held little appeal to him. It was the people in this place he missed, two in particular.

Jess ran a hand through his spiky hair. He didn't style it like that much any more, but after how much he'd changed he was a little afraid that Luke wouldn't even recognize him with his hair as it normally looked—hanging down over one eye.

" 'Nough stalling Mariano," he told himself and pushed open the diner door. It was late but there were still a few people around, Kirk being among them. Caesar was obviously trying to get closed up and Luke wasn't there. Jess could feel their eyes drilling holes in him, but merely smiled.

"Anyone seen my uncle?" he said casually. It wasn't until he was standing in the diner again that he realized how very different he sounded. Not just his voice—though it was deeper—but also the very way he spoke now. A smile rested comfortably on his lips.

That was another thing. Smiles were no longer a rarity. They just came easily anymore.

----

Luke searched through his closet. Though he was a fairly tidy person he still lost things on occasion. He sighed almost giving up his search when he suddenly had the feeling that he wasn't alone. Luke looked up and his breath hitched in his throat.

"Jess?" he breathed in surprise. It wasn't like his nephew had dropped off the face of the earth. The kid had called fairly regularly—though he had been quite ambiguous about what he was up to. But this was the first time Luke had actually seen him since three weeks after Liz's wedding. And the kid defiantly looked a lot different.

His face had matured, his shoulders were broader and Luke could even have sworn that he had grown taller. But it was more than that. The very air about him seemed different. He seemed stronger, more mature and…happy.

"Luke," Jess beamed as he spoke, unable to keep the pure joy from exploding inside his deep hazel eyes. The diner owner felt over come. He walked over and wrapped his nephew in a tight embrace. When the two separated it was a moment before either could find their voice again.

"How've you been?" Luke asked.

"Good," Jess replied, and Luke could tell he really meant it. "I live in Philadelphia now. I'm starting up a publishing house with a few guys I met."

"Wow, that's great Jess," Luke replied stunned.

"I….uh. I've been writing," his nephew explained. "The guys actually helped me get published." Luke felt his eyes bulge and his chest swell with pride.

"Really? That's amazing!" Luke exclaimed. He watched as Jess seemed to grow a foot.

"It's not much…" Judging by the response and the fact that Jess suddenly looked away, Luke wondered—with some amusement—if his nephew was blushing.

Their conversation lasted for hours, talking more than they ever had in the entire two years when Jess had lived there. Luke had never been more proud of his nephew. Just to finally hear Jess was doing well for himself was enough to bring joy to his uncle's heart.

It was well into the night—way later than Luke normally stayed up—before Jess even suggested leaving.

"You can stay here you know," Luke offered.

"Thanks, but I already have a hotel room," Jess replied.

"How long will you be in town?"

"Just a couple more days. I have a meeting with some bookstores after that," Jess replied shifted his heavy duffle from one shoulder to the other.

"Well stop back by before you leave ok?" Luke commanded more than asked.

"Absolutely," his nephew assured him. Jess turned to leave but hesitated noticeably.

"Luke…" he seemed almost reluctant to say whatever on his mind. "I was…wondering…"

"Ya?" Luke asked hoping to hurry the question along. Whatever it was couldn't be worse than waiting to find out.

"Where can I find Rory?" Jess spit the question out so quickly it sounded like one word. Luke shifted uncomfortably, he'd been wondering when the conversation would turn in that direction. "Luke…I'm not going to do anything…I just want to talk to her. Is she still on campus?"

"No…she's not," Luke responded in frustration. He watched a look of confusion come across his nephew's features. "She's staying with her grandparents right now…" Jess inclined his eyebrow questioningly.

---

Jess sat inside his car for several silent minutes. Rory had left Yale? His Rory…her Yale? It did not seem possible. Rory had been his inspiration. His driving force. She and Luke had become the voices in the back of his head encouraging him on, being disappointed in his failures…and believing in him. If he had not been so devastated he might have laughed at the irony.

Rory was the princess of Stars Hallow. The most likely to succeed in…everything. He was the rough and tumble kid from the slums. Most likely to fail miserably.

So what happened?

With a dark sigh he got out of the vehicle and went up to the gate. He'd only been to her grandparents place one other time, and it was not a happy memory. He just hoped this one would be. He saw her getting out of her own car.

She was gorgeous…but the way she was dressed? She looked like a miniature Emily Gilmore, and frankly it was a little bit scary.

All his thoughts came crashing to a halt as he pushed open the gate and she turned those endless blue orbs his direction.

---

_This isn't you Rory, this isn't you! _

The words still rung in his ears. His blood was pumping with anger partly at that jerk Logan and partly at Rory. When had she become so shallow? When did she give up her dreams to become some sort of haughty material girl? This wasn't the Rory he met all those years ago. This wasn't the girl he fell in love with, and he would not accept that this was what she would become. He couldn't accept this change was permanent. So he yelled. He barely ever yelled at her when they were dating and never really before that.

But standing there over a year after their painful exchange in her Yale dorm, he'd yelled at her. Telling her things that sounded frighteningly similar to what Luke had said to him before.

And now he walked away. Walked away from the one girl that got under his skin. The girl he loved, that would never love him back.

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Review Replies:

Diehardjavajunkie14: Thank you so much! And thank you for motivating me to get this story posted. I love protective Luke too (Probably why I always write that side of him lol) Awww you're very kind. As for Java Junkie, there isn't much in this story, but they will be a side dish in the sequal

musicormisery4105: Thank you so much for reviewing, you are very sweet.

lalalovely.x, kassandra27,Curley-Q,LeytonandNaleyForever,Good2know,kathi-ryn: Thank you all so much. You're reviews help keep me motivated. I apperciate them so much. You all have been so sweet. I really really apperciate the feedback.

kobrakai-kate: Thank you, and I must say. I love the ussername! Kobrakai hehee


	3. Chapter 3: What is Better

**AN: **I'd almost given up on finishing this story, but it was one so close to my heart and I hate leaving things undone. I'm sorry you all had to wait so long, I apperciate every single review and I am really so sorry! But...it is finally here...

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**Chapter 3: What Is Better**

Jess stared at the envelop in his hands. It was sealed, stamped and addressed. There was only one thing missing. The name.

From the time he first learned to spell he'd never stopped writing. He would scribble words on a napkin when he was bored. The margins of his favorite books were covered with his flowing handwriting. He wrote so well that when he lived with Luke, his uncle always asked him to write the diner signs.

So why was he having such a hard time writing two simple words?

"Hey, you about finished?"

Jess robotically turned to his friend.

"Hmm?"

"Bout finished? I'm gona run these invites to the post office so I can take yours too if you're done," Andrew expanded.

"Ya, hold on." Jess quickly scribbled the name down before he could rethink his decision for the hundredth time.

"Rory Gilmore?" Andrew read. "Who's this? A lady friend of yours Mariano?"

"_Just_ a friend," he replied shoving another letter into Andrew's hands. "Now beat it."

"Touchy," Andrew jested, spitting his tongue out as he ran out the door, ducking as a pen whizzed by his head.

--

There were only a few things Jess loved. He loved reading a good book on a rainy day. He loved coffee when it was made my Luke. He loved the bridge in Stars Hallow. But more than any of these things he loved the taste of Rory Gilmore's lips. He had almost forgotten just how much. He leaned closer to her, relishing the moment. Suddenly he was seventeen again, kissing her for the first time.

She pulled away, looking heartbreakingly sad.

Her words didn't make sense, he tried to listen. Excuses about the cheating boyfriend spilled from those delicate lips.

And suddenly he got it.

"I don't deserve this Rory." After everything, after getting his life together, after finally making something of himself, after finally finding some self respect. Just like _she _had always wanted.

There had been a time when he would have accepted her back under any conditions, even if it were only rebound; back when his life didn't matter, at least not to him. But she and Luke had come into his life. They had made him better. Changed him, helped him, and loved him.

Now it was those very changes that kept him from stopping her.

As her brown hair fell around her shoulders and those infamous Gilmore baby blues danced with glistening tears, she gave him one last sorrowful glance. He watched her go, and suddenly realized.

It _was _better to have loved and lost.

The End


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